 | I believe we’ve all had moments where we question our own sanity. Maybe it is when you make a big purchase impulsively. Maybe it is when you decide to have your first (or fifth) child. Perhaps it is when you decide to make a career change and/or move to another city. It can feel “crazy” to fall in love, to try skydiving or bungy-jumping, sing karaoke, dance like no one is watching, or hundreds of other small or big scary, exciting, risky, new things. Your sanity is probably also challenged when you continue to make the same decision over and over again, even though you are experiencing disastrous results. Life needs some “crazy” to feel alive, purposeful, energized; to feel like you are truly living! |
The negative stereotype of crazy is: foolish, stupid, bizarre, weird, irrational, ridiculous, eccentric, or odd. Most people don’t want to be judged or insulted. Sometimes, this makes a person conform to societal norms; sometimes it allows someone to choose to limit their time around the types of people who are mean and/or manipulative. As a counselor, I encourage clients to be the best version of themselves and also to set boundaries so clients are not pulled into unhealthy relationships.
Unhealthy relationships can occur in a variety of ways. If your relationship is healthy, you are able to be self-aware and possibly ask yourself “I’m I crazy for pursuing this passion project (despite having the resources)?” If your relationship is unhealthy, you may find yourself asking “I told my boy/girlfriend about my new project idea but he/she said they are happy for me, but then asked if I think I can really follow this through and be successful. I’m so confused.”
Unhealthy relationships can occur in a variety of ways. If your relationship is healthy, you are able to be self-aware and possibly ask yourself “I’m I crazy for pursuing this passion project (despite having the resources)?” If your relationship is unhealthy, you may find yourself asking “I told my boy/girlfriend about my new project idea but he/she said they are happy for me, but then asked if I think I can really follow this through and be successful. I’m so confused.”
gas·light (verb): to attempt to make (someone) believe that he or she is going insane (as by subjecting that person to a series of experiences that have no rational explanation) [or] To manipulate events and situations in order to make a person believe that he or she is crazy.
 | Gaslighting, which is a type of manipulation, occurs over time. The manipulator wants to gain your trust before he/she knocks you down. If you miss the early warning signs, you may be sucked in too deep to believe you can get out of the relationship as things get worse. Recently, I caught someone in a lie, so I asked him about it. He responded aggressively and defensively. He never took responsibility or admitted fault. He insulted me by stating “I guess I now know your type of crazy!” The statement was meant to make me realize I was wrong for questioning his poor behavior and character. His goal was for me to apologize. Even as a therapist with healthy boundaries, this accusation hurt my feelings. I needed a few moments to digest and process. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that (in this situation) that he was “trying to make me think I’m crazy” *not* “I am crazy.” |
Here are the main differences:
Acting Crazy = need for more self-awareness, accepting responsibility, showing kindness and care, implementing humility, showing empathy, utilizing healthy coping skills, applying constructive decision-making skills
Tricked into feeling Crazy = realization that this is about the other person, not you! You cannot communicate with a manipulator the same way you can with a rational, reasonable person. Protect yourself first and avoid falling for their harmful tricks.
Acting Crazy = need for more self-awareness, accepting responsibility, showing kindness and care, implementing humility, showing empathy, utilizing healthy coping skills, applying constructive decision-making skills
Tricked into feeling Crazy = realization that this is about the other person, not you! You cannot communicate with a manipulator the same way you can with a rational, reasonable person. Protect yourself first and avoid falling for their harmful tricks.
| Additional signs you may be being gaslighted: 1. Withholding: Your partner pretends not to understand you or flat out refuses to listen to you. He or she might say things like “I don’t want to hear this again.” 2. Countering: Your partner questions your memory, even if you’re sure you know what happened. They say “You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly,” or “You’re imagining things, that never happened.” 3. Blocking/Diverting: Your partner changes the subject to silence you or questions how you’re feeling, saying things like “Is that another crazy idea you got from your (friend/family member)?” 4. Trivializing: Your partner makes your needs or feelings seem unimportant, constantly telling you that you’re too sensitive, or that “You’re going to get angry over a little thing like that?” 5. Forgetting/Denying: Your partner pretends to have forgotten what really happened, or flat out denies promises he or she made to you. He/she will say things like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about” or “You’re just making things up.” |   |
If these statements resonate with you, seek help from a professional and your trusted family/friends.
- Are constantly second-guessing yourself.
- Start to question if you are too sensitive.
- Often feel confused and have a hard time making simple decisions.
- Find yourself constantly apologizing.
- Can’t understand why you’re so unhappy.
- Often make excuses for your partner’s behavior.
- Feel like you can’t do anything right.
- Often feel like you aren’t good enough for others.
- Have the sense that you used to be a more confident, relaxed and happy person.
- Withhold information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain things.
Addressing the Problem/Tips
Remember, your opinions, feelings and perceptions matter. You have a voice and you have a right to be heard, without ridicule.
Stand your ground, no matter what. The manipulator wants you to give in and give up.
Don’t doubt yourself or your ability to correctly remember what has occurred. If it helps, keep a journal of events. Documenting helps, especially if you need to prove your case before a judge.
Your feelings matter! Your feelings should be validated. If your partner repeatedly dismisses or trivializes your feelings, they are, in essence, treating you like a child.
Do NOT second-guess yourself. Recognize that the problem is with them, not with you.
Remember, your opinions, feelings and perceptions matter. You have a voice and you have a right to be heard, without ridicule.
Stand your ground, no matter what. The manipulator wants you to give in and give up.
Don’t doubt yourself or your ability to correctly remember what has occurred. If it helps, keep a journal of events. Documenting helps, especially if you need to prove your case before a judge.
Your feelings matter! Your feelings should be validated. If your partner repeatedly dismisses or trivializes your feelings, they are, in essence, treating you like a child.
Do NOT second-guess yourself. Recognize that the problem is with them, not with you.
Author
Bree Winkler LPC is a licensed professional counselor in Atlanta, GA. Bree specializes in helping clients manage anxiety, depression, anger, and relationship issues. Contact Bree today to determine if she is the best fit for your mental health needs.
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