Webster’s Dictionary defines dysfunctional as “deviating from the norms of social behavior in a way regarded as bad.” We all live in society and we are all aware that many things operate outside of the ‘norms of social behavior.’ For example, some people speed in the car when the police are not nearby, some people text and drive, some people are regularly rude to other people for no apparent reason, some people lie, and many other violations of societal norms can be seen on a daily basis.
What is considered ‘bad’ has also changed over time. For example, it used to be considered morally wrong to be homosexual. Now, thankfully, people are allowed to experience their sexuality however they please (as long as it doesn’t hurt someone else, such as with molestation or abuse).
Dysfunction seems to happen on a slippery slope. A relationship starts and it feels wonderful! Then, someone’s feelings are hurt (this happens sometimes), but the issue isn’t resolved. Resentment and pain develop, which causes kindness and communication to break down.
Dysfunction seems to happen on a slippery slope. A relationship starts and it feels wonderful! Then, someone’s feelings are hurt (this happens sometimes), but the issue isn’t resolved. Resentment and pain develop, which causes kindness and communication to break down.
Questions:
What is the difference between a normal or functional relationship vs. an abnormal or dysfunctional relationship?
 Healthy Relationship Dynamics Love – emotionally connected, mutual respect, physical intimacy. Shared goals and desires. Communication – assertively, genuinely, openly, regularly, seeking understanding. Kind words Caring Actions Commitment Trust Honesty Disagreements and arguing respectfully Problem solving Seeking understanding of your partner's feelings, needs, and opinions, especially if you disagree. Accepting responsibility Forgiveness Laughter | Dysfunctional Relationships Abuse – physical, verbal, or sexual Controlling of partners actions, friends, thoughts, decisions, appearance, etc. Insults and put-downs Lying Cheating Focus on the past/holding grudges Judging and/or dismissing partner’s ideas, needs, feelings, or goals. Blaming Yelling Ignoring partner Refusing to accept responsibility or to apologize Repeating same, unhealthy habits.  |
Who is the person or persons responsible for deciding if a relationship is healthy or dysfunctional?
| YOU! You might not view something on the dysfunctional list, for example – cheating, as bad. That is your prerogative. |  |
And, is it possible to change the parameters or allow exceptions?
Of course! Perhaps your partner admitted to lying to you, but genuinely apologized and made concerted efforts to rectify that wrong. This is growth. Growth is healthy.
What should you do if you are in a dysfunctional relationship? Seek help! You deserve to be happy, healthy, and treated with respect. If the relationship is not healthy without appropriate help, don’t be afraid or too proud to request assistance. Options include: |  |
- Couple’s Therapy – A safe place for both partners to communicate their needs and feelings to each other with a neutral counselor to mediate the discussions. Therapy can build skills, such as communication, conflict resolution, and listening.
- Lawyer – Do you need to consult with a professional about ending the marriage? Or getting legal protection from an abusive partner?
- Individual Therapy – Professional Counselors help individuals process their thoughts and build confidence to make healthy decisions for themselves.
- Friends – Trusted friends are so important. Don’t keep your circumstances secret. Share. This will help you hear yourself and understand what you really feel.
- Time apart from your partner – Space away from your partner can give a person clarity on what is a relationship strength and what needs improvement.
- Relationship Assessments -- The counselor can also administer a relationship assessment (such as the Prepare/Enrich program) to help the couple identify areas that need improvement and provide activities to practice new ways to interact with each other.
- Breakup or Divorce – Is the relationship salvageable? Have you tried all the above without improvement? Do you need a fresh start with someone who chooses to respect you?
Author
Bree Winkler is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Peachtree Corners, GA. One of Bree’s specialties is relationships. Bree is also trained in the Prepare/Enrich couples assessment program.
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