You’ve been hurt. You are in pain. You feel sad and angry and confused and shocked and millions of other emotions that are hitting you like a wave. You reach out for a life preserver but end up thrashing in the waves. You just want life to return to “normal,” whatever that is. You might be suffering from loss of a loved one due to death or lost romantic love or a misunderstanding that escalated to termination.
No matter where your pain stems from, you don’t like it. In fact, you might hate it. The pain seems unnecessary and unjust and mean. You yell at God. You cry. You search for the answer to the word “why?” Nothing is helping.
Grief exists when loss occurs, whether the other person is alive or dead. The first thing you need to know is that grief is a process. The Grief Stages are:
-Denial: “This is not happening to me!”
-Anger: “He/She/God is so mean and hurtful. I hate ___.”
-Bargaining: “If you just let everything be okay/bring this person back to me, I will never sin/lie/cheat/steal/(fill in the blank).”
-Depression: “What is the point of life now?”
-Acceptance: “Life isn’t the same, but I can continue to live and love.”
Now that you know the Grief Stages, you are ready for the Healing Steps!
-Denial: “This is not happening to me!”
-Anger: “He/She/God is so mean and hurtful. I hate ___.”
-Bargaining: “If you just let everything be okay/bring this person back to me, I will never sin/lie/cheat/steal/(fill in the blank).”
-Depression: “What is the point of life now?”
-Acceptance: “Life isn’t the same, but I can continue to live and love.”
Now that you know the Grief Stages, you are ready for the Healing Steps!
Step 1: Grief. You must allow yourself to cycle through these stages. Trying to deny or hide your feelings will not fix the pain. Instead, it will delay it. Your loss is real and significant. Let yourself feel your emotions.
Therefore, BEFORE you read the next steps (and I KNOW you want to jump ahead), you must complete Step 1.
Therefore, BEFORE you read the next steps (and I KNOW you want to jump ahead), you must complete Step 1.
Step 2: Recalculating. Congratulations on reaching Acceptance with your grief! As you know, you don’t feel spectacular at this point. However, you did get through a difficult time in your life. This step is true acceptance (read: this is your “new normal”). Make note of how things are different than before, but also good for you right now. Embrace these new, good things.
Step 3: Forgiveness. As Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only Light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only Love can do that.” Great message…but *HOW* do you do that??
Forgiveness is for YOU. You are the only one hurting by carrying around a grudge or looking for revenge or holding onto anger. You get to decide to Let Go of the pain’s hold over you. Put is down. Tell it, “You aren’t important to me anymore.” Choose your own, current happiness.
People often share with me their thoughts about forgiveness. They include versions of “I can’t forgive without an apology.” That would be nice, if a reconciliation and/or compromise are possible. However, it is not necessary for you to heal. Think about this powerful quote from an anonymous author: “I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry, to accept an apology that I never received.”
Forgiveness is for YOU. You are the only one hurting by carrying around a grudge or looking for revenge or holding onto anger. You get to decide to Let Go of the pain’s hold over you. Put is down. Tell it, “You aren’t important to me anymore.” Choose your own, current happiness.
People often share with me their thoughts about forgiveness. They include versions of “I can’t forgive without an apology.” That would be nice, if a reconciliation and/or compromise are possible. However, it is not necessary for you to heal. Think about this powerful quote from an anonymous author: “I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry, to accept an apology that I never received.”
Step 4: Moving On. (the easiest step – ha!) You have grieved, you have found new ways to experience life without this other person, you have forgiven (yourself, the other person, or God), and now you need to LIVE. What makes you happy? How can you do more of that? What gives you joy? What helps you remember the good about the person (if they died) and also helps you to remember that they don’t want you to stop living?
Continue to do more of true living:
- engage in experiences
- laugh
- love
- communicate
- take care of your emotional, physical, and spiritual health.
And, remind yourself (regularly) how it feels to live life to the fullest – it may be despite the lost love or in spite of the lost family member or friend. Either way, you are alive, so… LIVE.
Continue to do more of true living:
- engage in experiences
- laugh
- love
- communicate
- take care of your emotional, physical, and spiritual health.
And, remind yourself (regularly) how it feels to live life to the fullest – it may be despite the lost love or in spite of the lost family member or friend. Either way, you are alive, so… LIVE.
Bree Winkler LPC is a licensed professional counselor in Atlanta, GA. She regularly sees clients for help and support with emotional issues. If you need help, please contact Bree today.
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