 | For the last 14 years, I have been an energetic and dedicated middle school counselor. Friends and strangers ask, “How can you work with middle school students? That is the toughest age!” Yes, friends, it is a difficult age, but it is difficult for the child; it is not about me. |
| While I spend time helping students, I also spend countless hours meeting with parents of these students. I listen and understand that parenting an adolescent is a very difficult and exhausting experiences. Some parents navigate this process easier than others. Perhaps they have a personality that is easier to acclimate to the changes in the adolescent brain and body; or, perhaps they have already been through the struggles with an older child? However, not every parent (or every student) is equipped to seamlessly handle the ups and downs of adolescence and middle school issues. |  |
As an outside observer and expert on childhood development, I am able to guide students and parents based on overall trends, research, and experiences. As a counselor (and a human), I am not perfect. I give advice, suggestions, and support through the scope of ‘do no harm’ and the desire to provide the best ethical and effective assistance. Some tips and ideas work better for one child and other suggestions are needed for a different child. As a parent, I am sure you have also noticed the differences with needs between your own children and/or among your child’s friends. This is the learning curve.
| What happens when a parent appears to NOT be operating with the mindset of ‘what is best for my child?’ What if that parent is using words like ‘support,’ ‘advocate,’ or ‘protect’ to actually smother (emotionally), control, or push their child in a direction that is unhealthy for that particular kid? How can a parent identify the difference between SUPPORT vs. SMOTHERING? |  |
| Supportive-Style Parenting Encouraging your child to pursue goals/dreams ------------ Teaching/building skills for: communication, problem solving, coping with life, confidence, and resilience ------------ Nurturing and Empathy ------------ Listening for Understanding ------------ Allow natural consequences to occur ------------ Discipline appropriately to teach rules and morals | Smothering-Style Parenting Forcing your child to pursue your goals/dreams for them ------------ Doing for your child: speaking for them to teachers, fixing issues, defending without facts, preventing failure and recovery. ------------ Overbearing or Clingy ------------ Speaking for your child ------------ Protecting your child from learning lessons (at school, with friends, in relationships, etc) ------------ Blaming other people for things your child does and/or enabling entitled behavior. |
Obviously, these are broad categories, not a recipe for step-by-step instructions on parenting.
The message is: Teach your child. Then, step back and let them try.
Here is what your child will learn when they do for themselves:
· Confidence: they tried and now they know their capabilities.
· Perseverance: they will try again (with support) to improve.
· Resilience: they won’t be defeated forever; they will get back up and try again.
· Pride: they will feel accomplished by putting forth their own effort.
· Self-Confidence: they believe in themselves to try something new or try something a different way.
· Determination: you can’t get everything right the first time or exactly the way you want it, but it is worth fighting for.
· Communication: they will learn to speak assertively to others about their needs, wants, and desires.
· Emotional Regulation: ups and downs are normal for life that can be managed effectively with healthy coping skills.
· Self-Control/Self-Discipline: by learning and practicing parental rules and expectations, the child learns to self-regulate to acclimate in society.
· Problem-Solving: your child will be able to look at issues from different perspectives and brainstorm for appropriate resolutions.
· Understanding: mistakes happen – that’s okay. Failure occurs (with grades, friends, sports, and many other things). Hard work and effort are needed to correct issues of failure or disappointment from becoming permanent issues.
· Natural Consequences: if your child is mean to someone, that person may stop being their friend. This is a natural consequence. If your child does not complete homework or study for a test, your child may fail. This is a natural consequence.
· Responsibility: Rescuing children (or people in general) from natural consequences prevents learning and accepting that each person has to be responsible for their own life and choices.
This is not an exhaustive list of lessons to learn for adolescents (or in adulthood), but it is a good start.
· Confidence: they tried and now they know their capabilities.
· Perseverance: they will try again (with support) to improve.
· Resilience: they won’t be defeated forever; they will get back up and try again.
· Pride: they will feel accomplished by putting forth their own effort.
· Self-Confidence: they believe in themselves to try something new or try something a different way.
· Determination: you can’t get everything right the first time or exactly the way you want it, but it is worth fighting for.
· Communication: they will learn to speak assertively to others about their needs, wants, and desires.
· Emotional Regulation: ups and downs are normal for life that can be managed effectively with healthy coping skills.
· Self-Control/Self-Discipline: by learning and practicing parental rules and expectations, the child learns to self-regulate to acclimate in society.
· Problem-Solving: your child will be able to look at issues from different perspectives and brainstorm for appropriate resolutions.
· Understanding: mistakes happen – that’s okay. Failure occurs (with grades, friends, sports, and many other things). Hard work and effort are needed to correct issues of failure or disappointment from becoming permanent issues.
· Natural Consequences: if your child is mean to someone, that person may stop being their friend. This is a natural consequence. If your child does not complete homework or study for a test, your child may fail. This is a natural consequence.
· Responsibility: Rescuing children (or people in general) from natural consequences prevents learning and accepting that each person has to be responsible for their own life and choices.
This is not an exhaustive list of lessons to learn for adolescents (or in adulthood), but it is a good start.
Can you honestly ask yourself:
Am I a supportive parent or a smothering parent?
How do I feel about my answer?
What improvements can I make for myself and my child?
Am I a supportive parent or a smothering parent?
How do I feel about my answer?
What improvements can I make for myself and my child?
As always, my #1 priority is the safety (emotional and physical) of my clients. I want healthy parents to teach their children to be healthy, productive teens and adults. Ongoing self-reflection is necessary for this to occur.
Author
Bree Winkler is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Peachtree Corners, GA. If you need help for yourself or your spouse or teenager, contact Bree today for a FREE phone consultation.
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